Where's Heimlich When You Need Him?

Sooner or later your junior golfer will succomb to the pressure of the moment in a tourney and... dare we utter the word... choke. It may come early, it may come after a few years of play, it may not happen until they compete at a higher level, but sooner or later it will happen. It might not even be a choke, but in the course of events, he or she will define it as a choke. And then it may take on a life of its own. All signs will point to the next choke. It will be anticipated and worried about. Course management, even mechanics, may be adjusted to deal with it's inevitable reappearance. As in life, so in golf, there are pressures that are too much to allow us to perform at the highest level. So what to do?

Many parents don't dare utter the word "choke", or whisper it as if it's some embarrassing family secret. They may change the subject when it's brought up, call it something else, essentially go into full blown denial. I know other parents that go the other route. Their kid is choking, they laugh. Hard. At first I thought it was a bit cruel, but ultimately I've seen it helps their kid get over the self-importance of it all. After all, it's just a game. It's a small slice of life. Get over it. No big deal. The sooner they get that the better. The better for all of us.

Hills and Valleys

As it is in life, so it is in golf: hills, valleys, times of success, times of failure, being in the zone, being in a slump. But when junior golfers, like junior people (ie. normal kids), hit slumps, not having a long life experience to draw upon, they may assume their slump means "it's over", they "can't play anymore", they've "lost it", and "it" will never return. Golf, like life, is a marathon, not a sprint, but how to convince them. You can't, you can only help them weather the storm, until they "get it back". Until they can draw on their past experiences, they won't believe what the future can hold. They can only live in the present, revel in their success which in their mind will never end, or despair in their failure which also in their mind will never end. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending where you are, we know it's not true. How to make them understand this is the challenge which can be met but never totally solved, as we await the passage of time.

Hot Enough For You?

Speaking about perserverance, recently I had the opportunity to caddy for my son playing in a state open against quality amateurs and club pros. It turned out to be the hottest day of the year, 100+, and as the day wore on and the experience of his playing partners kept them afloat, my son's focus and enthusiasm melted in the sun. After playing three holes in a row in 5 over par, I heard the words I thought I'd never hear. "I don't want to play anymore. Let's stop." But he's fourteen and had had enough and knew he wasn't going to qualify so he just wanted out. And I, carrying his bag in the sun, could see a couch in an air conditioned room with an ice tea not far away, but no. I told him "No way are you quitting. Unless you're sick, you're finishing this round. No way." He never said another word, continued on, played better, I think even enjoyed the rest of the round, and gained some admiration from his older and more experienced playing partners. And on the way home, I looked at him and said "Now aren't you glad I wouldn't let you quit." And he said, "Gee thanks dad, you were right, you're the best and smartest dad in the world." Yeah right, he just looked at me and shrugged. But as he turned away, I saw the slightest smile flash across his lips. At least I think I did.

Everything Is Habit-Forming

Last weekend I was reminded yet again why I love this game and why I love my son's involvement in it. He did well, which never hurts the overall take away but the real reward was watching my son and his competitors compete in the absolute worst golfing conditions I've ever seen. This might be normal for Scotland, but for round 2 on Sunday morning, they were sent out into a steady rain, temperatures around 40 and sustained winds of 20-30 with gusts to 40 and 50. It was brutal. Eventually the rain subsided to a light drizzle but the winds continued, and the cold held steady, and scoring conditions were seemingly impossible. And yet, not only did they all manage to post acceptable scores, they enjoyed the experience, and basked in the individual and group accomplishment of seeing the tournament through to the end with full focus and purpose.

As the morning began, out of about a hundred players, there were only four Withdrawals, all apparently by players who must have figured, if I have no chance to win, why subject myself to the pain and hardship. But I think they missed an experience and their parents, who let them withdraw, missed the opportunity to show them how important it is to perservere. Quitting is easy, and it can become habit-forming, unless we drill the opposite message into their heads. Some kids get it naturally, some through background of family, friends, and peers, others need some additional nudging. Not quitting, commitment to an idea, a cause, a purpose: it can't be bad.

And from the looks on the faces of my son and his fellow competitors, not quitting is good, real good.

Followup on "Not Complaining, But..."

This is the positive response I received from the tournament director, and the kind of response you can expect, and have a right to expect in the world of junior golf:

It is very tough at your son's age to sometimes deal with that type of behavior. I would suggest that he come up to me or my staff and say something after the round so I can deal with it then. I will look at his group and send an email to everyone of them but I won't say who was complaining about their behavior. This tends to happen ever so often since we don't have a marshall or adult with every group but I hope it doesn't discourage your son in future events.

Not Complaining But...

I want to share an email I sent recently to a tournament director who hosted a relatively important junior tournament. I think it applies to general experiences we all have had or may have fostering our junior golfers through competitive golf:

I don't want this to come in the form of a complaint because I think you and your organization are doing a fine job and ran a very nice tournament this week. However, I think you should know that some of the participants need some education about how to comport themselves in a competitive environment.My son did not play well yesterday at the qualifier, but his troubles were compounded by the behavior of his playing companions. Put aside the fact that they shot around 105 and 120 each (I lost count after a while). During play they were constantly moving about, standing in the wrong places, too close, talking, rattling the flag, slamming and throwing clubs (sometimes on the green), and one of them was actually using his cellphone during play. I won't even go into the rules they were breaking since their scores were so high, but they also told my son that the highest they could take on a hole was an eight (instead of the 9,10, and 11's they were actually scoring). I'm pretty sure that's incorrect (let me know otherwise). I told my son to say something, but he's young, non-confrontational, and was so disgusted halfway through the round, that he just endured it and finished his round.I appreciate that golf is a sport that all these kids should enjoy, but there needs to be a better way for the kids that are competing to do so in a acceptable environment. Anyway, we hope for a better experience next time. Thanks and regards

The Junior Golf Parent - The Journey Part I

Parenting for junior golfers is a rite of passage. Every parent begins the journey in a certain way depending on the age your kid gets the golf bug, their temperament, your temperament, their level of success, their expectations, your expectations, and some other miscellaneous factors that escape me at the moment. Depending on all these factors over time, and time itself, parents change or become solidified or emboldened in the manner in which they support, follow, and push their junior golfer through their developmental years, and beyond. And no matter what I write here, they'll all probably do it they way they were meant to do it, regardless. But if you are listening, heed some advice. Let your junior golfer have fun, above all else. Let the pressure they put on themselves, be the only pressure they feel. Don't let your life become invested in theirs. Savor their successes for them, and support them through their failures as the great life lessons they can be. If you are a cheerleader, display decorum. There are other kids out there not always making the shot. Don't gasp, scream at the ball, jump crazily up and down. And of course, don't get in their face or any junior golfer's face. Stay out of it. Golf is unique in not requiring umpires or referrees to monitor every second of play. So it doesn't need an invested, stressed out parent getting into the act. It's a great game and a great rite of passage for your kid. You're mature, make sure your passage is quicker than theirs.